Men

Men strong or weak? When a man acts strong it’s only to hide their weakness. When they are weak it’s only because they don’t know they are strong. It’s never as clear cut as black and white and that’s a hard truth to swallow. I personally believe that men have to be both black and white. A man needs to know that there is nothing wrong with weakness. A man needs to know that being to strong crushes even the strongest empires. A man needs to let his weakness dictate his goals in life and lead him down a path that will make him stronger. A man needs to let go of the strength that leads to hubris and take a hard look into themselves as to find out what exactly it is they are afraid of. A man needs to let his weaknesses become his strength so that he can truly learn the meaning of hard work because once he realizes what that hard work will do for him, it will change the way he sees everything in life. A man needs to learn the true meaning behind strength and weakness even if that means letting go of strength to become weak or embrace weakness to become strong.

Is this easy? NO. Is it worth it? EVERY DAMN MINUTE OF IT.

I believe that these are stepping stones to becoming what God calls us to become. 

Be determined and bediff3rent.

Determination- Firmness of purpose; a fixed intention or resolution.

I have searched for this since I lost it so long ago. I found it after my first heart break. I found it again almost 3 or 4 years later when I decided I would lose weight. It disappeared again for a while and I searched and searched for it. I prayed and thought long and hard but still it would not show its self to me. I realize now that there are chains that bind me and I had blinders on for far to long and because of these chains. While I may not be able to break all the chains yet, I will do my best to destroy the ones I can. I’m determined not to let these things hold me back anymore. They destroyed me from the inside out, Pride was my folly. I will not longer let that be the case. I will relinquish the pride that I carried for so long and I will instead take on a whole new persona. I will instead show humbleness as best I can and learn to show it better. I will let arrogance consume me no more and instead be a helper and disciple. I will rebuke the evil that will come my way and I will fight through the pain that is to come.

I AM DETERMINED.

Superbia in Latin or Hubris in Greek.

And until very recently, after many hours of restlessness, talking with friends, and conversing with God, I thought I was due this form of self.

I was WRONG.

This deadly sin often considered the deadliest of the seven is/was a problem that I didn’t believe was truly a problem I had. I had people tell me to be careful and to not be arrogant. I believe it was Gandhi that stated “There is a very thin line between confidence and arrogance”. If I’m correct in stating that the awesome, if not I apologize. But man was he right! I didn’t realize how thin this line was. A little recap on my lift before I gained this Deadly Sin. I was FAT at the end of elementary school and only got wide in middle school. It weighted me down heavily and would continue to for a while. Then I got to know what I thought was the girl of my dreams (lol how young and stupid was I). I became infatuated with her and she was the only thing I wanted. I went to her church just because she went there. All the while the only 3 friends I actually had went to another one (St Paul’s) and I showed no interest. I went once or twice and found that people there were very friendly and showed interest in me as a person. I ignored this place and let myself slowly fall towards despair. Eventually I had my heart stepped on so many times that I decided to cut the “witch” out of my life. I repaired my heart with my new found friends at St. Paul’s help and the fact that I found God. I Stated that I was just waiting for the right girl to come along. Not realizing that I didn’t truly let my wounds heal.

Next I found that since I lacked SO much compared I to my friends (the 3 i had at the time), that I was worthless. I beat myself down or should I say I let the Devil beat me down. I felt so inferior compared to them. Then one day I was introduced to weight lifting, ironically by one of the 3 friends at the time. Come to find out that I was actually not inept at one thing; STRENGTH. I got a taste of power and I loved it, now granted I tasted it before through other means but this was it. I hit the ground running with this new found glory. I got a bench and weights and we all 4 worked out together. I gained and gained strength and left my friends in my dust! Before I knew it we had a gym membership and I took weight lifting in school. I then decided to finally lose my weight and cut down the vine on my family tree that said we “were just a heavy family period”. Once I lost so much weight people really started to take notice. I LOVED that. People could see me for my Strength and Weight loss. I gained confidence or what I thought was confidence (see where I’m going with this?). It fact I actually gained arrogance and PRIDE just slipped his way into me.

Pride is NEVER a good thing. It has been the downfall of men since Adam and Eve (like I have talked about a bit already). Well this Demon was easily seen by my friends and the Girl I love. They pointed it out to me in so many different ways, but I just wouldn’t listen. I said that I didn’t have as much as they thought and what “little” I had was deserved.

Hahaha man was I WRONG.

All this time I claimed to being growing in Christ. I was growing in God and rebuking the devil. Now while this was actually true, the devil was just laughing at me for he already had one of his agents on me that I couldn’t see. My faith grew and I preached like an imbecile all the while PRIDE was actually growing too and loving it. I let myself be taken over slowly by him.

I took off the blinders the Devil and his Demon had on me with God’s help. I have read things that just astound me and opened my eyes to my great folly. I let her go and it is the only regret I have in my life. This Pride Demon that made a home in me, is now being worked out and I will be done with him for good.

I let my past dictate my present and future. I allowed this Demon to set up camp and run me.

But now I’m determined. I have a new sense about me and I am determined. I know that God believes in giving second chances and I am so thankful for his love.

I want to see your sleeping face. I want to be your pillow.

I want to wake you with your morning coffee.

I WANT.

I want to pray with you. I want to worship with you.

I want to love you like Jesus loves the church.

I WANT.

I want to travel the world with you. 

I want to see the beautiful things of the world, with the Most Beautiful thing in the world.

I WANT.

I want to learn your every spot. I want to learn intimacy with you.

I want to learn what love truly can be with you.

I WANT.

I want to hold you when you cry. I want to cry with you.

I want to to be at my weakest and still be the strongest because of you.

I WANT.

I want to be your protector. I want to be your strength.

I want to be your MAN.

i want YOU.

Failure: a lack of success; an unsuccessful person, enterprise, or thing.

This is a common thing I believe that people as a whole struggle with greatly. It tries to haunt me in my sleep and make me feel worthless in this world because I’m not up to the standards of this world. Adam failed and so did Eve. They failed God and then try to hide because of this failure. It has been passed down through the centuries and will continue to. Failure is something that needs dealing with and not being pushed into a corner anymore. Failure holds us back from being the best and doing what we were meant to do. We are afraid that if we actually take the chance to try and live our dreams that we will fail. Well I’m done with being afraid of failure now. I’m going to listen to what God wants me to hear and I’m going to stop letting the failures of my forefathers haunt be. I tired of letting the things in my past dictate my future just because I failed at them. I going to start becoming the man I am supposed to be and let God point me in the direction that I am supposed to go in. Failure is no longer will hold me down and keep me from going after the things I want. If I fail then it just shows me my limit and I break down that wall to keep fighting for what I want.

Realizing its time to stop playing kid and start learning life and becoming a man is a very scary thing. To start the search for the inner wildness that makes a man and to start seeing how far men have truly fallen because of the past is truly flabbergasting. Reading deeper and deeper in to the word and seeing how men have truly failed can dishearten a person greatly. Men have grown into these disgusting things that want personal gratification at almost any expense. We do want to take responsibly for any of our actions. We want to do things our way because “We are men”. This stupid bravado that we men have needs to go. This worldly view of how a man needs to be and how he is supposed to show his dominance because he is the “man”.  I used to think that everything couldn’t be blamed on Adam when the fall happened and while one can’t blame him fully, he is largely to blame. Its show how man failed women in THE time of need and how this act has warped the world so much. I look around at all the fathers that I know, including mine, and it breaks my heart to see the destruction the devil has left on this world because we let him. Lucifer entices Eve into eating from the tree so that she will be like God. Now lets pause there for a moment and ask ourselves one question. Where was Adam?! He is supposed to protect her from these things and stand up to fight for her. Where is he?! Well, He was right NEXT to her! He stood there and watched as the devil seduced his women into doing wrong. That right there was the first and MOST devastating thing to happen to the world in all of history. Man FAILED Woman and because of this man has continued to do so in many fashions. Men have become the thing is describe before and are steadily getting worse. Men have stopped doing what we were called to do both for WOMEN and GOD!! The sins of our forefathers are passed down through the generations. This is what God has told us. So lets take a look at some of these things and see if we can find out what makes us men the way we are a bit. Adam betrayed Eve’s trust with his inability to act and protect like he was supposed to do. That sounds very familiar, men betraying women, Cheating on them, telling lies to get things we want (especially sex), Sexually abusing women, and the list goes on and on. Then Adam runs and hides from God. That sounds on point too honestly, Men running away from the responsibility of marriage, running away from promises they made to the woman they loved, shutting out everyone and everything including emotions. Hiding from the truth because its to much for us to bear (hahaha that makes me laugh). Next while this isn’t exactly said but from research and delving into the theological side of Creationism one can find that Adam did a little more! Can you believe it, there is more! This is all been found and taught out by Dr. and Theologist Skip Moen. First off let me start off with something a lot of people should know. Adam was given the privilege of naming the animal kingdom based on the essence he saw from each creature. This gives Adam (Man) authority over the creatures and starts the hierarchy of the world. Well after the fall Adam does this very thing to Eve and we find out that there is a corruption of text because of translations. Adam gave Eve the name Havvah and if the meaning behind the name is why Adam called her this, it shows another one of Adams great failures. A quote from Skip says this “Hebrew havvah, which seems to be an archaic form of hayyah, could mean “living thing,” life personified.  This is how the Septuagint understood it when it rendered the name here Zoe.  The vocalization suggests an intensive form, so that “propagator of life” is also a possible meaning.  There might, in addition, be a word play involved, for Aramaic hivya means a serpent, as noted in Genesis Rabba 20:11; 22:2.  In the Sifre inscription (I.A.31), the word for serpent is actually written hvvh. [2]”.

If this is the case, then aside from proclaiming dominance over Eve. he goes as far as to call her something that will forever remind her of the Fall! Scar her for life and showing no forgiveness! Then there is even Rabbinic legend that would suggest that Adam left Eve for a time well over a hundred years to seek relationships among others! All these things sound scarily familiar today! Men have a great burden to bare and we need to stand up and take it “Like a man!”. Isn’t that something ‘“Men” are supposed to do? We have A LOT to learn in so little time. Which begs the question “How are we to get it right now!? We have failed for thousands of years!” Well its actually simple. We actually try and put effort into it. We accept the love that is right before us waiting to be held on to. God is always calling for us and wants us to hear him and see the truth. Only then can we truly begin to heal and start repairing ourselves for God and our women. Its a long road ahead but one that I personally believe is well worth the trip and will be so rewarding.